The first time I ever heard someone use a title to describe a professional other than a doctor was in Enugu in 1982. I had tuned in to the state radio station soon after I arrived in town and it mentioned “the Deputy Governor of Anambra State, Engineer Roy Umenyi.” I at first wondered if the “engineer” was a name, since there are some queer English names such as Farmer, Hunter, Seaman, Cook etc.
Right through my primary and secondary school days in this country the titles we knew were Malam, Alhaji, Mister, Miss and Mrs. There were also the clerical titles Father, Pastor, Deacon, Archbishop and Cardinal. Chief was the commonest title in the South for politicians and important people. Religious revivalism of the 1970s brought other titles such as Uztaz, Alaranma and Sheikh. “Evangelist” also made its debut around that time. Some Mazis [S.G. Ikoku] and Ogbuefis [Alex Nwokedi] also came up. Chief M.K.O. Abiola popularised Aare and Bashorun and there was a High Chief [Gabriel Akin-Deko]. The only titles however that suggested a man’s profession were Doctor and Professor. A doctor was a medical doctor, a veterinary doctor or a PhD holder, while professor suggested that a person has risen to the zenith of an academic career.
Right from the First Republic, members of Parliament were addressed as Honourables. Speakers and regional premiers were addressed as The Right Honourables, a common tradition in the British Empire. I once stumbled on my father’s 1964 diary [he was private secretary to Sir Ahmadu Bello then] where he made a note that the Premier told him to arrange some puffs for “the Speaker of the Sierra Leone Parliament, The Right Honourable Mr. Banja Tejan-Sie”.
Now, during the long years of military rule in this country, state military governors were addressed as their Excellencies. That was how regional governors were addressed in colonial times. Nigerian ambassadors abroad as well as foreign envoys in Nigeria were also addressed as their Excellencies, a worldwide tradition. In the North, His Royal Highness was used to address emirs while His Eminence was reserved for the Sultan of Sokoto. In the South, His Majesty was more commonly used to address Obas and Obis.
Once upon a time, the highest title in Nigeria was “Sir,” i.e. a person knighted by the British Queen with a KCMG [Knight Commander of Saint Michael and Saint George]. The men who bore the title “Sir” were the grandest in Nigeria in those days. They were not so many. They include Sir Abubakar Tafawa Balewa, Sir Ahmadu Bello, Sir Kashim Ibrahim, Sir Aderemi Adesoji, Sir Adetokunbo Ademola, Sir Darnley Alexander, Sir Akanu Ibiam, Sir Abubakar III, Sir Usman Nagogo and Sir Mobolaji Bank-Anthony. I still do not know why Queen Elizabeth did not confer KCMG on Dr. Nnamdi Azikiwe and Chief Obafemi Awolowo.
Not long after I heard about Engr. Roy Umenyi [inventor of the Biafran gun ogbunigwe], Nigerian engineers of all hues took to using the title before their names. While the title helpfully tells you that this man trained as an engineer, it does not say whether he is a civil, mechanical, electrical, agricultural, chemical, space or computer engineer. Neither does it tell you whether the person has a degree or an HND, the on-going skirmish to abolish “dichotomy” notwithstanding.
Because engineers got away with it, pharmacists took after them. We began to see names with “Pharm” preceding them. The title “doctor” also became confusing when herbalists adopted it. The biggest herbalists even adopted the title “Prof.” Titles took a small beating in 1993 when General Sani Abacha appointed Military Administrators for the states and said they should not be called Excellencies. This did not reduce their power one bit.
Architects soon joined the fray, affixing “Arch” to their names. In 1992 they got much leeway with having a governor, Architect Kabiru Gaya. The habit spread far and fast. One day I opened a newspaper and saw a man addressed as “Surv.” so-and-so. He was the Surveyor General of the Federation. Not long afterwards I saw a man addressed as “Stats.” so-and-so. He was Statistician General of Nigeria, so the title means Statistician. I was really puzzled. I too have studied statistics courses and I know some things such as mean, mode, median, standard deviation, normal distribution, Bell curve and confidence interval. Maybe I should add “Stats.” to my short name.
One day I saw “Bldr” as a prefix to a Nigerian name. I learnt that the man was a Builder. I was amazed. It was not like he was the one who built the Taj Mahal, the Golden Gate Bridge, Bhurj Khalifa, Kremlin palace or the Great Pyramid of Giza. I thought that with all the building collapses that we are experiencing in Nigeria these days, a man should be ashamed to call himself a builder, not to talk of attaching it as a prefix to his name.
But then, why should he be ashamed? All the big and deep potholes that adorn Nigerian roads have not discouraged anyone from attaching the prefix Engineer to his name. The fact that most Nigerian bridges have no railings has not dampened any engineer’s spirit either. I was amazed that anyone will call himself a statistician in Nigeria when nobody believes the figures dished out by the National Bureau of Statistics. Anytime CBN says inflation was 7% in the last quarter, people will sneer that the cost of a measure of corn almost doubled. They don’t want to hear anything about a composite index.
I attended a seminar in Kaduna in the 1990s and a fellow paper presenter was addressed as “Consultant” so-and-so. I at first thought he was a consultant surgeon. I later heard that he was a freelance media consultant. I then began to see with Nigerian doctors why they don’t want nurses to get the title “Consultant Nurse.”
Then there come the Honourables. With the return to civil rule in 1999 every local government chairman and councillor, every member of a state assembly and House of Representatives, every commissioner, special adviser and special assistant to President, Vice President, governor, deputy governor or speaker became an Honourable. Trust politicians not to stop there. Anyone who once held the office and in fact, anyone who is aspiring to get any of those offices in the future is immediately addressed as Honourable. All these would have been okay with me if all these men and women have become honourable in conduct. Why are men and women called honourables when much of their conduct is injurious to the public treasury, to election laws, to civil service rules, to parliamentary ethics, to cultural norms and sometimes even to the human spirit?
The people who make it to the Senate need a title even grander than Honourable, so they are called Distinguished. How I wish all of them have distinguished themselves in a certain way. A man who did not so much as attend Senate sittings for the constitutionally prescribed minimum number of days is still called Distinguished. For that matter, the man who sat through the entire Senate tenure without sponsoring a bill or moving a motion is still distinguished.
Then there are the Excellencies. The President, Vice President, governors, deputy governors and ambassadors are accorded this title, evidently the highest in the Nigerian pyramid of ridiculous titles. A man who has not done anything excellent must still be addressed as His Excellency. Is it not better if we break it down into His Poor, His Average, His Good and then reserve His Excellency only to the one who did something excellent?
The My Lords are also there, the judges of high, appeal and supreme courts together with their shari’a and customary court soul mates. Of all the titles inherited from the colonial era, this is the one that sounds most strange to the African ear, since God is the lord. The way we are going, someone will one day hand out a business card with the honorific title Armed Robber preceding his name.
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